Recently , a friend of mine was assigned as a sitter at the hospital where she works.

Her job, for that shift, was to stay at the bedside of a young man who was brought in because he had attempted to harm himself. My friend was explaining how emotional she was afterward, and how helpless she had felt. Most of all, she explained what she saw in this person. She saw a person who needed help, someone to talk to, and to know someone was in his corner.

As I was reading what my friend had written, I was caught off-guard and became very emotional. Not just because of the incredible amount of empathy she showed, but it made me wonder……did anyone ever look at Jordan like that?

Jordan had been hospitalized many times; several times he also had a sitter with him. I started to wonder…..could this person see how scared Jordan AND I were? Could they see he was a horribly confused and tormented soul? Could they see that he never wanted to hurt anyone- including himself- but just didn’t know what to do? Could they see he needed help….help that I, as his mother, was unable to give him? Could they see that we were all trying? Could they possibly see Jordan the way I did? Could they?

I’m going to choose to believe that somewhere, through everything he’d been through, there was at least one person. One person who could, at the very least, see a glimmer of Jordan shining through.

While I know that doctors tend to base their opinions of people on the facts—has this happened before, blood work, tox screen, etc- there just has to be people there ( nurses, sitters, the woman that brought him his meals) who could look past all that and see the person.

Many of my friends never really got to know Jordan. The ones that did though, will always remember him with a smile.

I am smiling through my tears as I write this, because I know Jordan can see how loved he was, and still is, by so many. He did make a difference , and there’s an emptiness now where he used to be. There’s also a feeling in me that I never had before. A feeling of extreme peace and love…..so much so, that sometimes I can physically feel it!! I know I sound crazy. That’s ok!

Now that Jordan is free from his pain and suffering here in earth , I believe he is showering me with all the love he always had for me. Other things just got in the way before.

I love you around the world a million times Turkey Noodle❣️

It’s been an unbelievable 6 ½ months since Jordan left this world. It still seems so unreal sometimes.  My questions that I had in the beginning don’t sit in the forefront of my thoughts anymore. Answers to them won’t change anything. I do believe I am truly at peace with where Jordan is now. How can I not be happy at the thought of him being free from pain, free from torment, free from a mind that he couldn’t control….and happy.  Happy, it’s such a simple word and such a normal emotion for most of us.  Not for Jordan though.  That was not part of his vocabulary as he got older.

My heart is still broken, I’m still healing, but through all of this, I think the greatest gift that’s been given to me is the fact that I’m no longer worried about Jordan.  I know this sounds selfish, but for the first time in years, I can rest easy knowing he’s safe, and that all the positive things in life I told him were out there, he can see now.  He’s a part of it now.  And he’ll always be a part of me……forever.  I know he’s smiling when he sees Eric and I spending time with our nephews.  We didn’t do that as much as I may have wanted over the years.  Mainly, because of my insane work schedule, but partly because there was an underlying guilt.  Guilt of having fun with my nephews, while knowing my own child was miserable.  I know deep in his heart, he loved his family and wanted us all to spend time together.  Well Jordan, we are…….more than ever.

This is my first Christmas home in 9 years, mine and Eric’s first Christmas we’re spending at home……. and I’m excited for it!!  For the decorations, the Christmas music, seeing family, exchanging gifts, and the parties with friends and family.  A lot of people have told me how difficult this time of year will be for me.  Honestly, it hasn’t been. The fact that I’ve been so excited about the holidays is making me question if something is wrong with me.  So many other parents who’ve lost children don’t want to celebrate Christmas, they want to wake up when it’s all over.  I want to experience every minute of it……as much as I can.   It’s definitely bittersweet, to be home for the first time in so long, only to have it without Jordan.  But I’m still looking forward to it. I am grateful this Christmas, because I’d rather have had him for the short time I did, than never to have had him at all.   I’m not sure where exactly I’m at in my grief, I can’t put a word to it. I do find myself thinking of Jordan and just feeling happy, even through the tears. Part of me is terrified that come Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, everything I’m feeling now will be replaced by an overwhelming sadness.  But, if that’s what happens, then I’ll ride through it.  I’ll think of all the 28 Christmases that Jordan was here, and all of the wonderful memories.  Memories of him getting Star Wars Monoply that he wanted SOOOO bad, remembering when Santa called the house to talk to him and ask him if he’d been a good boy that year, the pure excitement on his face when he’d come down the stairs and see all the presents that Santa left, checking to see if Santa ate his cookies and drank his milk that we left out for him, all the years my brother would take him to Toys R Us and let him pick out his present (usually something noisy or some kind of weapon lol), going to the movies with his dad on Christmas Eve, even the Christmas he started to cry after opening several clothing items (jammies and what not) saying ‘I don’t want to open anymore presents, Santa didn’t bring me any toys this year,  ‘ That still cracks me up……just so you know, there were plenty of toys under the tree that year, in fact, there were so many gifts for Jordan I couldn’t keep track of what was what, which is how the unfortunate incident occurred in the first place. I’m going to think about all the wonderful, fun, happy, memories of Christmases passed.  Don’t get me wrong, in recent years, it was very different.  Jordan didn’t want to celebrate Christmas, he wouldn’t want anything, and sometimes, my family wouldn’t even see him on Christmas.  We always saw him FOR Christmas, but it was when he was up for it.  No one knows it yet, but I have a gift for all of us on Christmas.  It’s something I usually got for Jordan.  I simply couldn’t keep seeing it in stores and NOT get it.  I know Jordan will be with us for Christmas and he’ll be happy, and because of that, we’ll get through.

I love you around the world a million times Turkey Noodle💗

We can’t begin to know it

How much we really care

I hear your voice inside me

I see your face everywhere